My Life-From the Bee to West Nile Virus!

My last update was about my depression.  Well, it turns out that it's not just depression.  Sure, that's part of, but the main part is that when I was in Denver, CO in July, I got West Nile!  Yep!  27 mosquito bites later, and one of them managed to give it to me!  It's not the dangerous kind where you end up hospitalized, but the safe kind where you don't even know you have it... it's the middle one.  It takes between 2 and 6 months to get out of your system!!  EEK!!

Craziness, right?  Some days I feel completely normal.  Thankfully those days are coming more and more often! (I had two this month!), but most of the time I'm tired.  Really tired.  Bring the Bee's toys in, stay in bed, and don't do anything except feed and change the Bee until my Honey gets home tired.  But it's been a while since I had a day that bad!  YAY!!

The depression is part of it.  One thing I didn't realize about depression is how all encompassing it is.  You not only have the physical pain that comes with it, but you also have nothing.  Not a desire to do something, not any energy, no desire to see friends or family, etc.  Depression is selfish.  It's all consuming.  But, it's also not something that is avoidable.  I think everyone in the world gets depressed from time to time.  Could be work, could be family, could be friends, could be all of it, could be none of it.  It's just want happens.  We live in a fallen world, and it sucks.  Life is hard, sad, and impossible without God. Thankfully, I have God.  And he got me through it!  Sure, I'm still sad, sometimes.  Sure, my immune system is weakened, so I'm sick more often.  But, being as depressed as I was has already been used for His good.

I have been blessed to be able to see what's going on with my dad in a different light (prayers for him are still appreciated!  He starts his (PRAYERFULLY) last dose of steroids on Saturday and then his last dose of Chemo 30 days after that.) and offer insight to those closest to him.  I couldn't imagine fighting this disease with depression.  The Chemo and steroids make him so sick to begin with, and  then being depressed on top of it!  The fact that he actually gets up every day and fights (even if only for a few minutes) is amazing!

The Bee is now 19 months old!  We had her pictures taken for her 18 month birthday (well, okay, we did it for my 29th birthday! (they are the pictures scattered throughout this post)  It's amazing how much she has grown.  She's happy, cheerful (unless she's not, hehehe) and so amazing!  She blows me away with how much she's learning and loving and growing!  You can't walk out the door (even to take out the trash) without several bye bye hugs and kisses.  Fish lip kisses!  They are the sweetest thing!  And she love her sweet "friends" (stuffed animals, baby dolls, and little people!) giving them kisses and "hug" all the time.  And what's more amazing?  My 19 month old shares :).  You just have to ask her for something, and she'll joyfully pass it over!  Mostly she loves her Daddy and "Dog Dog".  Ember is so patient with her, with the constant desire for a hug and kiss. 

The Bee's favorite animal is still the giraffe, which she now calls "Raff".  Her favorite thing in the world to do is go to the Boise Zoo and feed Julius the Giraffe.  She could spend all day there, but at $3 per piece of lettuce, we limit it to 3 pieces!  Luckily she's still free and Thursdays are half price!  We're probably done with the zoo until it gets warmer.  Julius can't come out unless it's 40 degrees or warmer, so unless we have another warm streak, we are gonna hang out until summer :)

She's started naming her stuffed animals, with her Lambie being "Manny", her lady bug pillow pet is "Bug", a tiny white dog is "Woo Woo" (her sound for barking) and the latest addition, a while polar bear named "Rarrr".

Going over to my parents house is great fun for her, not only because Grandma ma and Papa are there, but because that's where "Giget" (my parents dog, Gidget) lives.  She has a great time at the other set of grandparents too, and is in love with all the bears and Grandma and Grandpa Bear have out... Plus, the baby toys and doll house amaze her! 

My brother in law is getting married this spring, and Jeremiah and I will go from having 2 nieces and 2 nephews to having 4 nieces and 2 nephews!  I'm so excited for him and his lovely bride! They are such a sweet couple.

Well, I think that's about it... you're all updated and informed :)

Depression Story

So, I've been depressed for years.  Since high school, actually. However, usually, I can just turn to God, and force my way though it, and it can be months between depressive moods, and then they will only last a day or two.  Not the case these last few weeks.  It has been overwhelming.  All consuming. Hope killing. 

But, with that said, here's the deal.  I KNOW that God uses all things towards the good for those that are called according to His purpose.  And, beside that I KNOW that I am called.  So, even though I have no desire to do anything, so even though simply getting out of bed is physically painful and emotionally draining, so even though the tiny little things my daughter does that used to give me so much joy don't anymore, I KNOW that God is going to use this towards His good.  I can't see how right now.   In fact, that's a huge part of depression.  I can't see anything but myself, and how much I physically and emotionally hurt.  Depression is a hugely selfish feeling.  However, the more and more depressed you are, the less and less you can fight the depression and the selfishness that comes with it.

But, I went to the doctor (who has treated me before) and got some help.  I have a few friends that are reaching out to me, and they do make it better.  I'm also refusing to go quietly down the depression hole!! I'm publicly professing how I feel.  I'm attempting to push through, to turn to God, and to TRUST!  That's hard when you are depressed to.  Trusting that God wants only good things for you.  Trusting that He hasn't forsaken you.  Trusting that even though you feel like a scared, abused, neglected dog hiding in a corner that He is there for you!  Trust is hard. 

I think it's even harder to be a depressed Christian than a depressed non Christian.  For some reason, the stigma that comes with being depressed is worse if you are a walking, talking, professing Christian.  Bad thoughts run through your head (about if your faith was strong enough you would be going through this, that Christ has abandoned you, etc).  Plus, if you truly have a relationship with Christ, it's not like you can just go and kill yourself.  You are on this planet to do His work, and you don't get to stop doing His work until he says so.  Committing suicide would be the easy way out.  But, being a Christian is not easy.  While the burden is light, Satan doesn't attack those who aren't doing God's work. 


But, today I got up, even if it took a while, and I took care of my daughters needs.  Because even if I'm depressed, she still comes first.  Then, because that took every ounce of my energy, I ran her a bath, and let her play.  We splashed and played, and it was a good time.  I even used some of the time and folded and put away a load of laundry.  HUGE for me!  I haven't even touched the washer or dryer in almost 10 days.  I'm tired now, but she's napping, and I'm resting.  Trusting that God is going to see me through this.  Trusting that He has not nor will He ever leave or forsake me.  Clinging to Him... my life raft and Savior.  And friend.

So, if you think about it, pray for me.  Pray that each day I have the courage to get up, that each day I have the desire to fight hard enough, long enough to get through the next minute.  Because that's all I can face at a time. 

What is your experience with depression?  How have you fought it?