Depression Story

So, I've been depressed for years.  Since high school, actually. However, usually, I can just turn to God, and force my way though it, and it can be months between depressive moods, and then they will only last a day or two.  Not the case these last few weeks.  It has been overwhelming.  All consuming. Hope killing. 

But, with that said, here's the deal.  I KNOW that God uses all things towards the good for those that are called according to His purpose.  And, beside that I KNOW that I am called.  So, even though I have no desire to do anything, so even though simply getting out of bed is physically painful and emotionally draining, so even though the tiny little things my daughter does that used to give me so much joy don't anymore, I KNOW that God is going to use this towards His good.  I can't see how right now.   In fact, that's a huge part of depression.  I can't see anything but myself, and how much I physically and emotionally hurt.  Depression is a hugely selfish feeling.  However, the more and more depressed you are, the less and less you can fight the depression and the selfishness that comes with it.

But, I went to the doctor (who has treated me before) and got some help.  I have a few friends that are reaching out to me, and they do make it better.  I'm also refusing to go quietly down the depression hole!! I'm publicly professing how I feel.  I'm attempting to push through, to turn to God, and to TRUST!  That's hard when you are depressed to.  Trusting that God wants only good things for you.  Trusting that He hasn't forsaken you.  Trusting that even though you feel like a scared, abused, neglected dog hiding in a corner that He is there for you!  Trust is hard. 

I think it's even harder to be a depressed Christian than a depressed non Christian.  For some reason, the stigma that comes with being depressed is worse if you are a walking, talking, professing Christian.  Bad thoughts run through your head (about if your faith was strong enough you would be going through this, that Christ has abandoned you, etc).  Plus, if you truly have a relationship with Christ, it's not like you can just go and kill yourself.  You are on this planet to do His work, and you don't get to stop doing His work until he says so.  Committing suicide would be the easy way out.  But, being a Christian is not easy.  While the burden is light, Satan doesn't attack those who aren't doing God's work. 


But, today I got up, even if it took a while, and I took care of my daughters needs.  Because even if I'm depressed, she still comes first.  Then, because that took every ounce of my energy, I ran her a bath, and let her play.  We splashed and played, and it was a good time.  I even used some of the time and folded and put away a load of laundry.  HUGE for me!  I haven't even touched the washer or dryer in almost 10 days.  I'm tired now, but she's napping, and I'm resting.  Trusting that God is going to see me through this.  Trusting that He has not nor will He ever leave or forsake me.  Clinging to Him... my life raft and Savior.  And friend.

So, if you think about it, pray for me.  Pray that each day I have the courage to get up, that each day I have the desire to fight hard enough, long enough to get through the next minute.  Because that's all I can face at a time. 

What is your experience with depression?  How have you fought it? 

Saving 90% at Albertsons!

20 Boxes Totino's Party Pizzas 2/$3
12 Totino's Pizza Rolls $2.39 each
3 Hot Pocket Snacker, $2.79 each
20 Boxes Hamburger Helper, $2.39 each
38 Progresso Vegetable Classics Soup $2.79 each
4 Dreyers 1/2 Gallons of Ice Cream $6.99 each
3 Snickers Bars, $.89
Total: $251.50

Transaction #1:
10 Boxes Hamburger Helper
$23.90
Preferred Savings: $13.90
Used 3 $.75 off 3 HH Coupons 7/16 SS ($2.25)
Doubled all three ($2.25)
Total: $5.50
Received $2 Cat and $5 Cat, and 35 box tops

Transaction #2
10 Boxes Hamburger Helper
1 Snickers
$24.79
Preferred Savings: $12.61
Used 3 $.75 off 3 HH Coupons 7/16 SS ($2.25)
Doubled all three ($2.25)
Used $7 in Cats from T1
Total: $.08
Received $2 Cat and $5 Cat and 35 box tops

Transaction #3
10 Totino's Party Pizzas
Total: $15
Preferred Savings: $2.50
Used: 2 $1/5 Totino's Coupons from 8/7 GM ($2)
Doubled 2 ($2)
Used $7 cat from T2
Total: $1.50
Received $5 cat and 35 box tops


Transaction #4
10 Totino's Party Pizzas
Total: $15
Preferred Savings: $2.50
Used: 2 $1/5 Totino's Coupons from 8/7 GM ($2)
Doubled 2 ($2)
Used $5 cat from T3
Total: $3.50
Received $5 cat and 35 box tops

Transaction #5 (I messed this one up, so after this I went away, sat down and re-organized everything)
6 Progresso Soups
4 Totino's Pizza Rolls
$26.30
Preferred Savings: $16.30
Used: $1/4 Progresso Soup coupon from 8/7 GM and 2 $.40/2 Totino's Pizza Rolls 8/7 GM ($1.80)
Doubled: 3 ($1.80)
Used $5 cat from T4
Total: $1.40
Received $5 cat and 35 box tops

Transaction #6, 7, 8, 9
8 Progresso Soups
2 Totino's Pizza Rolls
$27.10
Preferred Savings: $17.10
Used 2 $1/4 and 1 $.40/1 (8/7 GM) ($2.40)
Doubled 2 $1/4 coupons ($2)
Used: $5 Cat from previous transaction
Total: $.60
Received $5 cat and 35 box tops

Transaction #10:
4 Dreyers Ice Cream Half Gallons
$27.96
Preferred Savings: $15.96
Used 2 $1/2 Dreyers from 6/12SS ($2)
Doubled 2 ($2)
Used: $5 Cat from T9
Total: $3
Received: $4 cat

Transaction #11:
2 Snickers Bars
3 Hot Pocket Snackers
$10.15
Preferred Savings: $.20
Used $1/1 Snackers coupon from 6/26 SS ($3)
Doubled 3 ($3)
$4 cat from T10
Total $.05 MM!!! (I love my Albies Cashier!!!)


Total Pre Savings/Coupons: $251.50
Total Amount Paid: $17.43 or 6.9%
Saving: 93.1%